I have shared the article from "The Voice" mentioned in the previous post with a few friends. It sparked good conversation. Most of them felt that few people actually feel the same as the men in the article. But the topic of sex and its place within a relationship garnered a lot of opinions.
One friend of mine said that he was talking about this with his co-workers, all married men in their 30s and 40s. They said that he "just doesn't understand" because he isn't married yet. But they assured him that when he gets married, he will know the frustrations when his wife doesn't want to "give him" sex. They cited examples of coming home from long trips, missing their wives and having their wives not in the mood day after day. One day, the excuse would be "I'm tired," the next, "I have a headache," etc. So the men were asking my friend, "When does it become forcing your partner? What are we supposed to do if our wives continue to say they don't want to have sex?"
I don't believe these men were saying that they physically rape their wives. I think they were saying that perhaps they try to verbally cajole their partners into having sex because they are sick of the excuses. They asked my friend, "Why do our wives keep saying no? We try to ask them what is wrong and they say 'Nothing.'"
My friend then asked these men, "Are you sure your wives still love you?" That made me laugh. And I think it's a great question. I am a lover of "Sex and the City." At one point one of the characters says, "Sex is a barometer for how everything else is going in your relationship." If one or both of the partners repeatedly does not want to have sex, the problem is probably outside of the bedroom. And this is what I told my friend he should tell his co-workers. Perhaps the women get home from work, their husbands ignore them and watch TV all night. And then when they get into bed, the men turn on the charm and expect lovin.' But we all need to feel appreciated in life, not just in the bedroom. So the problem for these men could be that they aren't showing their wives that attention in the way their wives need.
And this brought up a larger issue: communication within the relationship. We both agreed that these couples need to work on it. I also didn't like the way they talked about sex...saying that the women "give it." Sex should be something that two people decide on and talk about. It is not that one is giving and one is receiving. It is a partnership. And that notion seems to be lacking within the discourse on sex in general.
Although articles like the one in "The Voice" may represent extreme views, they reveal things about us within relationships and how we can improve the dialogue. And isn't that what good journalism is supposed to do?
One friend of mine said that he was talking about this with his co-workers, all married men in their 30s and 40s. They said that he "just doesn't understand" because he isn't married yet. But they assured him that when he gets married, he will know the frustrations when his wife doesn't want to "give him" sex. They cited examples of coming home from long trips, missing their wives and having their wives not in the mood day after day. One day, the excuse would be "I'm tired," the next, "I have a headache," etc. So the men were asking my friend, "When does it become forcing your partner? What are we supposed to do if our wives continue to say they don't want to have sex?"
I don't believe these men were saying that they physically rape their wives. I think they were saying that perhaps they try to verbally cajole their partners into having sex because they are sick of the excuses. They asked my friend, "Why do our wives keep saying no? We try to ask them what is wrong and they say 'Nothing.'"
My friend then asked these men, "Are you sure your wives still love you?" That made me laugh. And I think it's a great question. I am a lover of "Sex and the City." At one point one of the characters says, "Sex is a barometer for how everything else is going in your relationship." If one or both of the partners repeatedly does not want to have sex, the problem is probably outside of the bedroom. And this is what I told my friend he should tell his co-workers. Perhaps the women get home from work, their husbands ignore them and watch TV all night. And then when they get into bed, the men turn on the charm and expect lovin.' But we all need to feel appreciated in life, not just in the bedroom. So the problem for these men could be that they aren't showing their wives that attention in the way their wives need.
And this brought up a larger issue: communication within the relationship. We both agreed that these couples need to work on it. I also didn't like the way they talked about sex...saying that the women "give it." Sex should be something that two people decide on and talk about. It is not that one is giving and one is receiving. It is a partnership. And that notion seems to be lacking within the discourse on sex in general.
Although articles like the one in "The Voice" may represent extreme views, they reveal things about us within relationships and how we can improve the dialogue. And isn't that what good journalism is supposed to do?
great conversation; your friend is one of the good guys.
ReplyDelete100% agree about communication. It doesn't help for the wife to say "nothing" - she should say "I'm tried from cooking and not feeling pretty, so what I need is validation that you appreciate all of me, instead of just 'sex' me", - and the husband should articulate why he wants to be with his wife "you are special; i thought about you all day", etc.
because in the end if he just wants her to "give sex" b/c that's her 'job' and she is never interested, they shouldn't be married because there is no love.
You are a wise soul Nnete! Good for you for starting the conversation. Amen sister. My advice for PCTs is always just try to 'reach' one person a day with a thought or deed, and believe that WILL have some affect. In fact, I discovered that is a useful outlook for life, and it can get you through a bleak day, a dead-end job or an exasperating situation.
LITB sister!
Kim, the new AXO coming to Bots has devoured your blog already :) - I love it!
Jenn,
DeleteI totally agree! The wife needs to speak up as well. I really like your idea of reaching one person a day with a thought or deed. That is really nice...and it goes along with one of my main goals of service, which was just to support people.
Less than three weeks and I close my service! Ahh!! :)